I Go To Extremes

I like this song.

Ironically, those who know me probably won’t be surprised.

This is a song by Billy Joel entitled “I Go To Extremes” from his “Storm Front” album. This album is one of my favorites, and has been since it was first released. In the Billy Joel discography, it takes a back seat to the “Innocent Man” album, but I digress. The point is that Billy Joel is an extremely talented musician who has developed amazing staying power through 30 years in the oh-so-fickle music business.

His song writing is really marvelous. He philosophically dives into topics like relationships, America, people, changing culture, celebrity, and more. Using this insight, he couples it with a narrative writing style, and vivid word pictures. In fact, I would put him into the songwriters’ pantheon along with Bernie Taupin, and Bob Dylan.

Well, when it comes to this song, I listen to it, and I feel like I could have written it (if I had such talent, anyhow). It talks about that need… that compulsion… that obsession that just can’t be suppressed, nor fully understood. It is that irresistible thing inside that makes a person like me tick… it can be frightening in its’ disregard for self-preservation. It does not care if it leaves its’ host drained, exhausted…

So the song admits over and over, “I don’t know why I go to extremes.” It talks about sleepless nights, and dancing on the edge of losing it. And as with so many favorite songs, I sing along in my agreement. It is funny that some songs take on even deeper personal meaning as the years pass….

Here is the link to the music video… yes, back from when MTV actually played music videos!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5xgjtm4_M20

"Hurt" LIve

I would imagine that this will be a surprising post for some people to see here........

Well, there was a dark time in my life where I was quite the NIN fan. This song was one of my favorites back in those days, as it grabbed me with its' visceral emotionalism. To be honest, it also laid bare my own pain and hurts... so listening and singing along was almost a therapy for me... You know, singing a song in the first person, pretending that it isn't really about you, just a song...?

While I am not in that dark place anymore, I still feel the power, the stark honesty of this song. It echoes of feelings and doubts that I am not sure I would be brave enough to sing out to others... even now. In fact, the intensity and mood sound like a lament Psalm in their way... at least, how I imagine those old Psalms...

Funny how the Bible does not dance around raw emotion. Instead, we see the entire human condition laid bare.. uncomfortably bare. However, we find ourselves being somehow embarrassed or terrified of such pure emotion. At least, I probably feel that way much of the time....

This particular version is especially good, being so stripped down and intimate (although Cash's version is really amazing, too). In fact, I debated about posting Cash's version, but felt like I would let Trent Reznor sing his own song, instead.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cefrrdRUid4

One Foot in Front of the Other

What do you do with passion?

I mean, what if you are an intensely passionate person? No, not just some lusty, physical thing… but an intense, irrational, fundamental personality trait. What can you do with this?

You might say it is akin to the old prophet who was given the Lord’s message. He confessed that if he did not speak it, it threatened to consume him; like venting a flame which could become explosive if contained. This is what it feels like to have such passions, the need to reign it all in, but to risk immolation of it is suppressed too much.

The reasons for reigning it all in vary, some are noble, some are mundane. It may be a matter of keeping your job, not offending people, honoring a vow, keeping your sanity, being a productive member of society, maintaining your integrity, honoring cultural norms, or whatever. But in each case, the expression of this deep passion must be controlled or re-focused into something positive and productive. It must be funneled and fashioned like some kind of raw material.

But how do you do this? Another way of saying it is, how do we do this without falling into madness, as many of the great artists and musicians have fallen? How do you keep such transcendent urges bound within reality? How does one reconcile the vastness of one’s vision and the smallness of reality? How does one wrestle with something that defies measure and, in fact, is a compulsion? How does a person deal with all of the mundane isues of life, stay interested and engaged, when there is so much more…. careening through your mind?

For me, I don’t think that I have this answer yet………… not by a long shot.

So, this is one of those times where I am happy to receive feedback. Remember that this blog is about being real, and really, this is one of those things that I am trying to figure out…. How do we transcend the day to day? How do we functionally put one foot in front of the other in our journey to the eternal, when the present is so… constricting?

And as I come to some conclusions, I will be happy to share them with you...

Garden School Graduation Speech 2010

Yet again, my Seniors asked me to make a speech at their graduation. So, with much trembling and unsettling emotions, I offered up these words. It was an incredibly difficult speech to give, being so weighted with so many hopes and deep passion... I am thankful for my graduates who were so gracious while I struggled to read it.

* * * *

I would like to thank you, graduates, for the opportunity to come and share my thoughts with you one more time. I have been privileged to serve as one of your teachers this year. You have endured many lectures, rants, and off-the-subject stories in my class. So, for you to ask me to come and give one last lecture, means that something I said somewhere must have rung true. That, or we didn’t have money in the budget for a really cool speaker! I am hoping that it was the first option…

Today is special; probably more so than you even realize. This day marks a significant transition in your lives… a point that will grow in significance as time passes and you have the opportunity to reflect on it. I don’t want to say this to talk over your heads, or to treat you as though you are children, but to exhort you to take today seriously. In fact, I beseech you to take everyday seriously…

I know that your hormone-clouded minds are reeling, and you have probably had enough of “serious” in the past couple of months. You have been inundated with well-intentioned people who want to know your plans. “So what are you going to do after you graduate?” “Where are you going to school in the Fall?” “Do you have a job lined up?” “What kind of career do you want to pursue?”

Frankly, right now, I don’t care about that stuff. I couldn’t care less if you drive a dump truck or practice medicine. It doesn’t matter much to me if you go to college or not. I don’t mean to startle any of your families here today, but in the Final Judgment, those things are details. Instead, I ache to see each of you work for the Kingdom, and make your life an offering to your Savior.

It would be unfair of me to leave you with that sentiment by itself. It is a hard thing, to live such a life. It is absurd to attempt this life without having some guideposts… so, these are what I would like to give you. I can’t speak to every circumstance you may ever encounter, but I want to offer up some things that I hope will help you weigh your decisions. Of course, you will recognize many of these lessons from our study of the Scriptures, but the best lessons bear repetition. At least I hope so!

The first and greatest lesson we read is that we are each Created by a God who loves us. Not only that, but each and every human being bears His Image. I don’t know if the impact of these two truths can ever be overstated. It is simple enough for children to learn in Sunday School, but profound enough to make the wise marvel. Do YOU believe that you are Created by God, in His image?

We see a hopeless, childless old man promised a family. He believes Yahweh, and becomes the father of a mighty nation. Faith will not always make sense, but the reward is immeasurable… as the stars in the Heavens… Will YOU have such a faith?

We come to realize that our choices bear dire consequences. As we stand on the plains of Moab, we are confronted with this great distinction… will we choose Life, or will we choose Death? As we anticipate entering into our own Promised Land one day, we all have to realize that these are the ultimate ends of our actions. Will YOU choose life?

We encounter the miraculous. Seas are parted. Walls are felled. The infirm are restored. God acting again and again in ways that shatter our modern assumptions about the world. Do YOU believe that He still works miracles? Do you believe that He can?

Life is characterized by endless choices that we all encounter every day. We see both wisdom and folly calling us to follow them. Thankfully, in the Scriptures we also find True Wisdom to help us make such decisions. As you go out and seek counselors to help you through tough times, be sure to look for God-Fearing men and women to guide you. Will YOU follow True Wisdom? Will YOU live wisely?

By contrast, we find that every activity under the sun will prove fruitless if we act with the wrong motivations. Will YOU chase after the wind and make a name for yourself? Will You seek after a life of hollow pleasures and worthless treasures?

We see the Prophets of old speaking of a mysterious time yet ahead. In That Day, those who have built great temples to house their egos will find their idols destroyed. All who are hard pressed will find comfort. All who know only strife and conflict will find peace. Sin-stained hearts will be cleansed. Death will lose its’ sting. Do YOU look forward to That Day?

I am sure that it is no surprise that I am not offering easy answers here. That would be somehow untrue. I am leaving you with questions that you have to answer, and not just with words, but with your lives.

I have been deeply blessed to have shared this year with you, and I hope so much for each of you. Most of all, though, I hope that when That Day comes… the Day of which those prophets spoke… I will see each of you being richly rewarded for a life lived in His Name. And it is in His Name, the Name above all names, that I pray these things for you.

Thank you again for being such blessings to me, and may the Lord bless each of you as you go.

My Suggested Bibliography, Part 3

Well, I warned you that I was probably going to come back to this whole bibliography thing again... I just didn't think it would be this soon. Here goes another couple...

11. All Quiet on the Western Front by Erich Maria Remarque

To say that this book is a war novel is like saying that McDonald's food might not be good for you; both are dramatic understatements. I would go further to say that this book is THE war novel. It is so profound as to make pretty much every war novel since a poor copy of it. Considering the breadth of this genre, that is saying a lot, but when you read All Quiet, you will know I am not exaggerating.

Remarque shows you the hearts and minds of the young men who found themselves charging out of their classrooms into the trenches, in search of honor, glory, reward, true meaning. What they find is something nearly beyond words and altogether different. Though some may have excaped the shells, they were all of them scarred. It describes war in both the graphic, terrible detail, but also in a deeply introspective way which is almost unnaturally clear and free from over-emotionalism. Since Remarque does both, and with such acuity, this novel transcends any one war or period and speaks to all wars. Just read it. Just..... wow.

12. A History of the American People by Paul Johnson

If I listen carefully, I can hear a shriek rise up from my students as they read this one. For those who don't know, this is the history book we utilize at the Garden School for our Humanities class. Nearly without fail, the students groan and moan about how boring it is and how they despise it. However, I have found it to be a remarkable historical study.

Johnson is actually a British man who was a bit put out that in his British education, he learned almost nothing about these peculiar American folks across the pond. As he read more, he fell in love with not only America for what it is, but with Americans for who they are, as well. His scope of study is enormous, as he weighs and considers a huge range of factors, from economics to geography to politics to philosophy to the arts to biographies and then some. The author just put an insane amount of info into these roughly 1,000 pages, and he does it in a human way. It is not really just some kind of steroid-enhanced report, but a carefully woven and warmly written essay about what makes America great.

13. LOMBARDI. by John Wiebusch

This one is going to surprise some people, I am sure. It can not be considered a classic in any sense, and I doubt history will make it such. There are only a handful of people who probably even know it exists. For me, though, it holds a special place, and I take it off the shelf and re-read it at least once a year.

The book was originally published in 1971, about a year after Vince Lombardi died of cancer. This book is an oral history; a collection of interviews given by friends, family, bosses, players, competitors, and anyone else who knew Lombardi enough to talk about him. He was a giant among men... at least among coaches, and the Superbowl trophy bears his name as an acknowledgement of what he meant to the NFL. Aside from his achievements as a coach, he was a good man. He stood for goodness and decency and hardwork and integrity and teamwork and discipline... in a way that stands apart from the typical coaches trying to get more points on the scoreboard.

I honestly don't think a typical gal will care much for this book. Frankly, I am not sure how many guys would really care much, either. As a man, however, I find it touching and inspirational as I read about the tremendous impact this man Lombardi had. It goes beyond the simple guy things for me, as I confess that I have have wanted to coach football for more than 15 years now. Crazy? Sure. Can't deny that might be a bit out of character for me. I cannot imagine a coach who I would want to emulate more.

14. Nothing Like it in the World by Stephen Ambrose

This is a book about the construction of the American Transcontinental Railroad. That sounds kind of simple, really, but it is more than that. Ambrose is a polarizing figure among historians, but his books are so readable and yet studied, that they are worth the time. It's not just that he knows a lot about these subjects, but that he enjoys them, as well. In this book especially, you can pick up on the author's enthusiasm over what he is writing about.

You see, there is a part of me that aches to be a part of something historic, or challenging, or nearly impossible. I want to look back and say, with bravado, "yeah, I did that" or "I was a part of ..." Maybe it is climbing Everest, or ridding the world of hunger or working on a crab boat in the Bering Sea or whatever... Well, many of these men who worked on this railroad could hold their heads aloft after its' completion. It was an incredible, unprecedented undertaking that could only happen at that time in America. When you read it, you just marvel at what kind of a challenge it was, and what a triumph it was when it was finished.

15. Is There a Meaning in This Text? by Kevin Vanhoozer

I have probably gone too far into the deep end for most folks with this one... but that is kind of the point. One of my favorite areas of Theology or Philosophy is that of Hermeneutics (the science and art of interpretation), and this book finds itself under that umbrella. It is really pretty heady stuff that has such a broad scope, it is almost dizzying to read.

In a very small nutshell, Vanhoozer is dealing with the effects of deconstructionism on modern Biblical (or literary) interpretation. The guy is ridiculously intelligent and, to be frank, I am not even sure that I understood all of what he was even saying. That is part of why I enjoyed the book as much as I did, and why I want to give it another read or two. It really showed me the limit of what I really understood, and it made me want to step it up another notch to really understand what it is saying.

I preach to my students that you have to have a couple of these books in front of you regularly... to keep you growing. For me, this book is one of those. For many of my students, if they hear that I couldn't get it, they would be scared to even try it. All I can say is that I hope they will never shy away from any book or subject or class if it is something that they really want to learn or understand. Nobody knows it all. Nobody. But you don't have to be a scared know-nothing either.

My Suggested Bibliography, Part 2

This is the second part of this Bibliography, so be sure to read these in order...

6. Read the Bible for a Change by Ray Lubeck

Now, this book is hardly a classic by any stretch, but I regard it with a deeper affection. You see, I have Ray Lubeck for a teacher in several classes over the course of several years at college. Fellow students seemed to adore him, but at first, I thought him a bit odd. However, after several classes, I found myself impressed by his teaching style and engaged by his enthusiasm. In fact, I feel that much of what my students enjoy about my class is a direct result of Ray's influence in my own life. He helped me understand what good teaching looks like.

That narrative note aside, this book is a very readable guide to Bible study, filled with humorous anecdotes and warmth. Lubeck packs a lot of info and analysis into a neat little package here, and it is only the richer for me, since much of it echoes discussion that we had in classes. His notion of reading the Bible like a BOOK completely changed my way of looking at it. Kind of common sense, huh? Well, I can tell you that it isn't that common, and most treat it like some kind of Spiritual Swiss Army knife. I don't have a corner on correct interpretation, but thanks to Ray, I feel like I am on the right street.

7. "The Dictionary of..." collection published by InterVaristy Press

Each of the books in this series is a collection of articles about a multitude of subjects in a given section of the Bible. For instance, in "The Dictionary of Jesus and the Gospels," you will find literally hundreds of articles on different topics which relate to these particular Biblical books. It may be interpretive theory, book structure, cultural notes, topical or thematic studies, character studies, geographical notes, or any number of topics. These articles are written by modern recognized authorities in these particular topics, and all are scholarly pieces.

Now, I will admit that these are not usually wildly interesting reading. They are, after all, scholarly introductions to these topics. However, it is good to chew on things like these to help us deepen our understanding and thinking. Just reading this kind of writing will invariably hit you with things you would not have thought of on your own, and may even contain "aha" moments when a new light is shone onto these books. As an added bonus, each article is followed by a brief suggested bibliography for that particular subject! Bonus!

8. The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis

I am deeply indebted to Dr. G(arry Friesen) who made me read this for his class. It is not a book I might have chosen on my own, but without a doubt it is my favorite Lewis piece. The basic plot is that a busload of damned souls travel to the outskirts of Heaven to decide whether or not they like it enough to stay there forever. Yes, it is a bit of an odd premise, but the underlying themes are too powerful to be dismissed easily. In the end, we see these "ghosts" fall, one by one, away from the "bright country" since they will not relinquish those sins that so tightly bind them.

One of Lewis' gifts is his clear picture of eternal reward and consequences. It shows up in his various writings in various ways, but this work captures it in such a beautiful, fantastical narrative. We find ourselves begging the various ghosts to release themselves from their self-imposed bondage, or maybe we scoff at them for their foolishness: only to catch a glimpse of such shackles within our own hearts.

9. Mere Christianity by CS Lewis

This book is another of his works that is just so marvelous in so many ways. Lewis is, of course, just brilliant. However, he has an equally brilliant way of discussing deep topics in common language. I would say that Lewis has a great "voice" in his writing that makes you feel like you are sitting in a Starbucks with him over coffee... This book is just so... conversational.

In addition to being so enjoyable, the actual topics Lewis wrestles with are utterly profound. This is a kind of Christianity 101, without the preaching. Really, it would be far too difficult to even begin to condense it here, as it tackles a wide range of inter-related topics. It is one of those books that does not waste a sentence, and yet carries you along in the reading. In my mind, it is a masterpiece that deserves a read-through at least once a year.

10. A Soldier of the Great War by Mark Helprin

Now, this is another book that time may decide is not a true "classic" and in another ten years, I may not, either. That said, do not start this book unless you have time to read it straight through. It's nearly 900 pages, and no, I am not kidding. Once you start with it, you will read it every waking hour until it is done. Every person I know who has read it has had exactly this same experience. I bought it on a Sunday afternoon, and even though I had to work Monday and Tuesday, I think I had it completed sometime in the wee hours of Wednesday morning.

As a warning, it is not necessarily for kids. While it is not trying to be vulgar in any way (far from it), it is a modern novel which utilizes the modern propensity to describe things in vivid, sometimes blunt detail. This includes topics like hate, love, war, revenge, sex, etc...

However, the story traces the life of a young man who grows into an old man... who fights in a war and sees death, who loves beauty in an almost transcendent way in all its' forms, who barely escapes a military execution by firing squad, who serves time in a marble quarry hand-chiseling enormous slabs from the sheer cliff face, who speed-climbs a mountain in a hail of artillery fire to rescue a friend, who falls deeply in love with women in a way that makes your heart ache to hear him speak to them, on and on the story goes..... and it takes you along for the ride the whole way. It is not a war novel, or a love story, or a drama... it is all of them woven together. It is well written in a way that books of the month can only dream of.

Well, that is enough of a list for now. I may take up the list again in future installments, and I probably will, but that would give a person a good start.

My Suggested Bibliography, Part 1

What do you read? What would you recommend?

Oftentimes, we find ourselves at a loss to decide what to read, or more to the point, what is worth reading and what is not. Nowadays, printing is cheaper than it has ever been, and we are inundated with the printed word. It can be very, very tough to decide what is worthy of the investment of your life (because time is only a way of measuring your life, after all). There is a bunch of junk out there, in many forms, so one must be careful to invest wisely.

For me, as I proceeded through College, I was taught by men and women who were broadly read in their fields (getting a PhD does that to you). Often, the resource I coveted the most was the suggested Bibliography which each teacher would produce in the syllabus for their class. Basically, this would be a lengthy list of works which they would recommend for the next stage in our education in that subject. Basically, these teachers had done some of the groundwork for me, and separated the wheat from the chaff.

Now, I have shared this with my own class several times over... about these bibliographies. Then, just the other day, one of my students looked at me and asked, "Well, Mr. K, what are YOUR top ten books?"

Frankly, it caught me unawares. I don't suppose that I had ever really given that much thought. At least, I had never considered a list of my own... In that vein, I am going to throw out an eclectic list of ten books that I would recommend, and why I would recommend them.

1. The Bible.

Yes, the Scriptures come out on top of the list. Aside from my own particular faith and worldview, the Good Book is just marvelous. It takes us through a dynamic story, with many twists and turns and joys and heartaches. We find ourselves in familiar stories with the old familiar faces, and puzzling gems hidden in tiny chapters. We find wisdom, poetry, stories, songs, grand announcements, frail prayers, expansive family trees, visions, warfare, love, betrayal, murder, revenge, forgiveness, supernatural events and encounters, dynamic characters, exotic cultures, and a lot more.

Did I mention that the main character is the most controversial, most influential, most discussed, most debated, most cherished, most villified, most adored, most admired, most quoted, most misquoted, most studied, most righteous man in the history of literature? Yup, talkin' about Jesus here. Whatever your thoughts about Him, you find Him here in this book. There is just no other book that is even remotely as rich or influential as the Bible.

2. Les Miserables by Victor Hugo

I have read this several times now, and it is just amazing. I think that I enjoy it more every time I read it. The characters are rich and the plot is just amazing. The overall theme of redemption and forgiveness is breathtaking. The detail and insights that Hugo brings are clear marks of a gifted author. It is truly, totally, a classic.

I read about Jean Valjean, his unfailing love and his unassailable power to transcend his circumstances. He is a force for redemption that I want to emulate. But to be honest, I find myself on the edge of my seat as I read about Javert, the bitter, unforgiving law man who mercilessly hunts Valjean... I see my own heart strangled and suffocating like his... and when I read, I turn the page hoping that this time, he might not end up in the river. But alas, he is overcome by his inability to show mercy, even to himself. God save me from such a fate....

3. The Sea Wolf by Jack London

Now this is a great departure from Les Mis, as London demonstrates a worldly, humanistic reality where death is omni-present. London had spent time in the great yukon gold rush, seeing firsthand the stark brutality of life there. However, he also spent much time on the open sea, and became an experienced man of the world at a relatively young age. Putting this together with an enormous literary talent, and a keen eye that observed all these things, and you have one of my favorite authors.

Though not as well known as White Fang or Call of the Wild, Sea Wolf is my favorite London novel. In it, we see the terrible battle of souls between the terrifying, Darwinian captain Wolf Larsen and the somewhat sheltered, idealist gentleman Humphrey Van Weyden. We watch as "Hump" wrestles with surviving in Wolf's brutal world, physically and ethically, while trying not to become the Wolf to do so. I could go on about it, but it is just a great read.

4. Jack London's various Yukon-based short stories

I have never been the biggest fan of London's two most well-known Yukon novels (White Fang and Call of the Wild), but I have always loved his short stories about the North. There are several dozen of them, and I will take it on myself to re-read them at least once a year. Having come from a small town in north Minnesota, far back in the cold, snow covered timber, these stories contain a sort of nostalgia for me. I have been inside hunting cabins that resemble those detailed in his stories, I have lived in temperatures well below zero for weeks on end, and I remember watching sled dog races run. At night, in the woods, you can still hear the wolves howl...

Aside from these memories, many of his insights into human nature and people in general fell in line with my own experiences and understandings. So in these things, I feel a part of his writings. Further, as with all truly amazing authors, he will drop the occasional phrase, sentence, or observation that gives the reader food for deep contemplation.

Among these short works, The White Silence, The Sundog Trail, The Master of Mystery, Housekeeping in the Klondike, and the classic To Build A Fire are the stories which I enjoy more than others, but really, they all mean something to me. Come, break the trail with Sitka Charley and sit alongside the Malamute Kid at the fire...

5. Moby Dick by Herman Melville

The funny thing with this book is that I kind of found it through the backdoor. Before I ever sat to read the book, I saw the old movie which starred Gregory Peck as Captain Ahab. Despite the somewhat goofy-looking whale (by today's standards anyhow), I loved it. I still believe that Peck's Ahab is the one against which all others are measured. But I degress.... back to the book....

I richly enjoy reading a book that has the 200-year-old feel to it. The culture Melville describes, the richness of his characters (some of the best descriptions I have ever read), the iconic story itself, the language he uses... all add up to a really great book. I find myself tremble with Starbuck, as he listens to Ahab wrestle with Providence... and I feel myself captivated by the gravity of this scarred face. "Come Starbuck, let me gaze into a human eye....."

Abe Lincoln... and Me?

A few weeks ago, I read a book about Abraham Lincoln entitled "Team of Rivals." It was a well written and well researched book that was focused in on Lincoln's Political genius, especially evidenced by his interaction with his Cabinet. It was a good read, and I would recommend it.

In attempting to establish his character and how his personality was shaped, the author (a lady whose name I have forgotten) was describing his seemingly sad or even depressed appearance. Among the many descriptions of Lincoln from his contemporaries, the word "melancholy" kept coming up over and over again. The author was attempting to offer a better understanding of made Lincoln give off this particular "air," and in so doing, I felt she actually helped me to see my own heart a little more clearly.

Lincoln, she suggested, was particularly intelligent and keenly observant. He was enormously ambitious. He was gifted with an insight that penetrated past initial impressions or circumstances. He was also very richly emotional and empathetic, loving deeply and feeling the most intense pain and sorrow on the behalf of friends and acquaintances. Finally, he possessed a self-effacing sense of humor that allowed him to temper the deep sorrow or pains his heart would hold within.

Now, I am not for a moment putting myself on a pedestal with possibly the most profound American character of the 19th century. I am not even saying that I fully understand exactly how I tick or exactly how Lincoln's mind worked. What I am saying is that as I read these few paragraphs, I had to pause and consider things.

You see, I wrestle mightily in my heart with a sometimes terrible maelstrom of emotion. In fact, there are times it is more like a tortured existence. From what I can tell, my personality is... extreme. I am aggressive by nature, competitive, and when I believe I am right about an idea or course of action, I will not be dissuaded (no matter the severity of the battle or the odds against me). It can at times seem almost suicidal, but I can't let go until it is done, or my mind is changed. In a nice way, you could say I have an almost belligerent moral compass.

That's not all of me, though. Under this exterior, in a spot few get a glimpse of, I am deeply sensitive. I would suggest that I am pretty perceptive, as well. I deeply love friends and ache terribly when they hurt. Being that my closest of friends are so far removed geographically, this can become an oppressive ache of loneliness. As I have alluded in other posts, with my particular perspective or insight, it can be mighty lonely in even the most crowded rooms. Great art makes my soul sing, birthday cards make my eyes moist, and even minor kindnesses make it hard to speak. I doubt that too many people, if any, really see this in me, but I assure you, it is there.

Now, when I couple these two truths together, namely, that I am deeply sensitive and perceptive, but I have an almost reckless, inflexible notion of what is right and wrong, do you see the conflict brewing? I think that this is where my often hardened exterior comes from... it is a way of coping with the pressure that builds within. Lincoln used quaint humor and amusing stories to diffuse the pressure building in his soul, and maybe I harden myself as a defense. I try good old-fashioned humor, but often find it wanting or just too silly. So, my humor can seem pessimistic or sarcastic.

These past few years, I feel that I have been on quite a roller coaster of self-realization, and I feel that this is just another one of those realizations. You can't target the enemy until you have him in your crosshairs. So, I find myself trying to flesh out the inner workings of my soul, and soften those areas that have grown calloused or hard. How can I transform those things that are bitter or sharp into things that are sweet and healing? How can this personality, this soul, be redeemed in a full sense? It is a funny thing that we know so much about the surface of the moon, but a person's heart is so unsearchable.

Here is where I pray for more strength and understanding and wisdom. It is here that I must rely on the One who sees clearly and knows without error and provides strength in abundance for every good work. He made me, crafted me even, and He knows where the wires have been crossed. The journey may seem frightening, but true to form, I can not turn back or shirk the challenge.

That's just me.

An Evening With Teenage Men...?

Last night, I enjoyed the evening with six of the young men from the Rhetoric (High School) class that I work with at the Garden School. With great satisfaction, Rachael and I prepared both our home and a fine meal for these fellas. I have always deeply enjoyed preparing food for guests (for reasons that may at some point demand a post of their own), so having them over to gorge themselves on Spaghetti with meatballs and home made cookies was a delight.

During the meal, we shared pretty light banter. I was not out to preach a Edwards-esque sermon full of fire or brimstone. Instead, I was moved to simply enjoy a couple of goofy stories and some old pictures of me as a kid... Needless to say, they got a big kick out of seeing the portly Mr. K with the big dimples (back when I was about 8). They laughed at the Mr. K with the peachfuzz stuck to his top lip (about 14 or so). They even got to see the long haired Mr. K dressed up as a cheerleader, complete with pigtails (for the High School powderpuff football game, aged 18).

As I gave them the "2-penny tour" of the house, I made sure to show them not only my small library, but also our small DVD collection. Looking through the books, I showed them a variety of titles, fiction and non-fiction, works ranging from Theology to Coaching Football to the Classics to Military History to the Far Side Collection. As we turned to the DVD's, they saw another surprising blend of titles. One of the students said, "Gee Mr. Koschak, you have some cool movies. I am surprised." I laughed at that one. It seems there may be a hidden side to the "Benevolent Dictator," after all.

I am not sure that there was a conscious plan in all of this, aside from just letting them have a look at my world away from the classroom. I suppose that I hope they will feel comfortable talking with me if I show them that I was young once, as well, and that my home is open to them for a visit. These fellas are now in High School, and in the next few years, they will embark on another phase of their lives. I wanted them to get comfortable with being talked to like men, as I feel that is what they are. A small interaction at the table was, I think, actually pretty profound in demonstrating this.

During our time gathered around the table, I made the off-handed comment that these guys are "teenage men," which in my mind, is what they are. On hearing this, one of the students paused, leaned back in his chair, and said thoughtfully, "I like the sound of that." They all kind of chuckled a bit at that, and others made the observation that it sounded better than the more common "teenage boys." I would probably agree.

I am not entirely sure that I appreciate or understand exactly what our culture seems to mean by the term "teenager." If it is a simple acknowledgement of years spent on this planet, then sure. But it always seems to carry more weight than that. Sometimes it is ominous, or sometimes it is dismissive, or sometimes it is an excuse, but it always seems to be more than just a person's age. I'm not sure that I care for so many of these implied meanings anymore...

I look at these people and I see "teenagers" struggling with issues and difficulties and even sins that adults struggle with, too. I see a hunger for real, honest fellowship and a real, honest Christian life. I see disillusionment with the standard "church-thing" with its' loosely applicable teaching and seemingly false "fellowship," which I also see in many adults I know. I see the same terrible spiritual war being raged among these "teens" that I see among their parents or within myself. I see a great need mirrored there that I see in most everybody I meet...

So to me, thinking of them as "teenage men" really makes more sense. This is why I try to talk to them like men, and I push them to carry themselves like men; not just like people who can drive, vote, or buy beer, but like MEN. God save us if we confuse the two!!!

This little exchange actually caught a hold of something much larger, I think: the greater reason that I hope to have this interaction with them. I want them to see them be MEN and think of themselves as MEN and make MANLY decisions. Ultimately, this is the Lord's work to bring to completion, but I may be a stepping stone along the way. I hope that this path proves straight and true for them.

Great Expectations... The Conclusion

For one, I have to consider that My Heavenly Father made me to be... me. As Paul would write, he makes different vessels for different purposes. He crafts each person with their own blend of gifts and shortcomings, personalities and tastes. If I acknowledged this in theory, I had to be willing to see it in myself. I realized that I might be able to perform a great many jobs or duties, there were those things that I had a natural aptitude for, and other things which came with greater difficulty. Some things just seemed to "fit" better than others...

Now this may seem oh-so-obvious, but it may raise some concerns, as well. For instance, what if you find that you are gifted for a job that society may not glorify? What if your family doesn't value this profession? What if you have to settle for a shorter check in a culture gone mad with materialism? This isn't a slam dunk for everyone, and this is seldom actually discovered in any of the multitude of personality tests that experts want to offer...

So if the Lord made me, and he made me for a purpose, what then? Well, as I wed these two truths, I see that as I work at my vocation, I am fulfilling His purposes. It is, whether consciously or not, obedience. If I understand that I am only one piece of this enormous puzzle, with each piece being fitted for a specific place in the whole, then I begin to see that by obeying this fundamental calling, I am actually serving my fellow man.

Then, if I see that I am serving my fellow man, I also must see that my fellow man also serves me and my needs. The self-made, self-sufficient man may be the most absurd idol ever imagined. Truly it was said, "No man is an island." We are, all of us, interconnected in ways too deep to get our arms around. Instead of seeing some as servants to be pitied, and others as masters to be envied, I see that whether we fully see it or not, we are all servants. This should come as no surprise when we meditate on the Cross.

So not only did He make me, and for a purpose, but he made me to be a servant to his other creatures. By exercising my gifts, the gifts he gave me, I glorify Him. If I apply myself to this calling with vigor, humility, and joy, I draw close to the heart of worship. As Eric Liddell, the olympic gold medal runner, said in Chariots of Fire, "God (also) made me fast, and when I run, I feel HIS pleasure." This kind of worship grants even the most menial of tasks with the deepest dignity...

Can you see that the man running the bulldozer can lay an offering on the altar as beautiful as the nun who ministers to the destitute in Calcutta? Isn't that... just amazing? What can your life be? What song can you sing with your life?

If we come full circle, I realize that I still carry a solemn charge, but it isn't quite the way I imagined it (and maybe not how my family understood it, either). It is not a matter so much of redeeming a family name, but redeeming my life by serving the Name Above All Names. It is not about trying to be anything but what I was made to be. It is no longer a matter of being honored among men, but being rewarded by the giver of every good and perfect gift.

And this is where the road has led me. As is often the case, despite the frustration of the young, experience has a way of lending more clarity to things. My prayer is that as I continue to grow in wisdom and years, I might gain an even deeper appreciation for this worship... that I might prove to be a worthy vessel for the rich gifts my Father has bestowed on me. Just by being... me.

Great Expectations... Pt. 3

As I began to work my way through these various trades and pay grades, I encountered something my precocious mind wasn't prepared for. Namely, I worked with a lot of really, really smart guys out there in blue collar jobs. Now, don't throw me under the bus for how dumb this sounds (as least finish reading first). Let me share a SMALL sampling of the people I encountered who shook my tree...

I worked for a painter who went to college for teaching, but got tired of the politics and short pay. He was a terrific man with a sharp mind and warm humor. I met a loader operator who had a full ride scholarship to a tech school, but declined it because he figured that rather than take all that time in a classroom, he would just read the books the teachers wrote (or the books that they read themselves)! Yeah, and he was actually reading these books, too. I worked with welders who understood Geometry and Trigonometry far better than, I suspect, some of the teachers that I had. I could go on and on, but I think that you get a glimpse...

None of these guys were miserable or unhappy in their work. That is not to say everyday was a celebration (it is a job, after all), but these were not galley slaves resigned to empty lives. To be frank, these guys seemed to have lives full of joy that I did not usually see mirrored in those who had the "white collar" jobs. They enjoyed the great outdoors, ate food that their own hands may have killed and butchered, sometimes worked right alongside their own sons, bragged about grandkids, watched over their elderly parents, etc, etc. Now, this is not saying that they were all of noble blood (jerks and dogs reside in every tier of society), but many lived what I might call "rich lives."

Maybe the most disarming of all, most of these men had a common-sense, clear-thinking way of seeing life that just cut right through the usual classroom theorizing. They had been raised on the meat and potatoes of Integrity, Work Ethic, and Family. They found the classroom (and the educational establishment), with its' abstract discussions and office-bound lifestyles, restricting and less than satisfying. What I had assumed was inability was actually a self-realization and wisdom that I myself did not possess...

Another discovery that I made was the truly profound joy of working with my hands (or maybe producing tangible results might be another way to say it). I was used to making calculations or writing a paper, and while these things served their purpose, it was nothing like solving real world problems and actually producing a day's work. It was mentally invigorating, AND physically exhausting. It was so... satisfying.

So what was I to say? How could I reconcile what I was seeing and feeling with that solemn charge so long ago? You know, that whole get a "good" job and "be somebody" thing we talked about back in part one. What did/does that really, actually mean anymore? As I look at my own rapidly growing son, what would I encourage him to do with his life? I think that the answer lies in my perceptions of worship, servanthood, vocation, and God as my Creator.

The Conclusion is next...

Great Expectations... Pt. 2

While I was in high school and since, as noted previously, I have assembled a very diverse resumé. I have been in management, and in the bottom of a hole with a shovel. I have worked alongside aspiring doctors and lawyers, welders, and laborers. I have spent much time in the seats of various classrooms, and recently, I have taken my place in the front of the classroom as the teacher. Maybe, in a small way, I have finally become "Mr. Koschak."

On my way to this humble distinction, I have wrestled with keeping that family trust granted me so long ago. Along the way, I encountered several fallacies in my thinking which I suspect are relatively common. I thought that I might take this chance to share the conclusions that I have come to and how they relate to these flawed assumptions.

For one, whether consciously or otherwise, I carried the assumption that I was somehow "above" or "better than" a blue-collar job. I suspect that several factors contributed to this rather stark assertion.

First, I think that I inherited it from my family. When a young boy listens to his own parents tell him that he needs to get a good job, one that is far more important and superior to their own jobs, it creates a simple equation. Namely, that the type of work they do is not to be sought after, and that they have such a job because they can't get a better one.

I am sharing this, not to lay blame at my parents' feet, but to offer a kind of warning. I would strongly discourage parents or other adults from making pronouncements like these to youth, as it robs certain vocations of their dignity. I believe that every job is important, and that not everyone has the gifts to excel at every job.

Second, I think that this bias is reinforced by society and media. How many times have we seen the blue collar worker portrayed as some beer drinking, basically ignorant, semi-belligerent fool? The idea is that these people are to be ridiculed and certainly not to be taken seriously. On the other hand, the upper class are portrayed as being basically more intelligent, more sophisticated, and mostly better groomed. As a thoughtful person looking for mental stimulation, which would a person choose?

Third, since blue collar jobs are often labor intensive, this bias suggests that jobs that require dirty hands and a sweaty brow are somehow inferior. The thought is that if you were smart, you would not have a bad back at 45. This encourages a person to look at the tradesman or laborer as though they are less than desirable. It feeds the ego to think that we are "above" or maybe "better than" certain jobs, which actually translates to being better than the people doing these jobs...

There are more reasons that I perceived these things this way... but these three are pretty big. However, in His truly infinite wisdom, the Lord has shook my tree with various experiences which He has ordained. And it was (and is) through these experiences that my Heavenly Father is molding my notion of vocation and work. I hope to share some of these humble insights to encourage others on this road with me...

Watch out for Part 3...