Good Walk Ruined? Part 3

The game itself… caught me unawares.

I had all sorts of notions of what it would be like. I mean, I had seen the movies where guys wearing really ugly pants cursed violently and threw their clubs. Some guys grabbed their clubs and snapped them in fury across their knees. You know, the frustration, the anger… agony or ecstasy riding on every shot… that “ruined walk” we were talking about. However, what I came to understand about the game, was so much more than that. What I came to realize about the game is so simply said… and holds so much weight…

The next shot is all that matters. This was a very, very profound realization for me. Sure, you have to be practiced and you have to understand the rules. You have to have technique. You have to be equipped with a full range of the proper gear. You need to have some knowledge of the course. All of that is so very true.

However, when you stand over that ball… when your body and mind are cocked and loaded, all that matters is hitting the ball right then and there. The last shot is in the books. It is history. You make adjustments. You learn from your mistakes. You play the ball where it lies.

When I began to understand this, the game just sort of… opened up. It took on a transcendent quality. It became a metaphor for life. When I realized this, when this clicked, the game became more than a walk in ugly pants. I realized that I could really grow to love this game… that it was becoming more the “game of kings” that I had heard about.

You see, in life, we all have a past. All of us. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t have things which bring them pleasure when they recollect them, and those things they might wish they could forget; experiences we would ache to re-create, and those shots we would like to have back.

The past is the past, though, and all we have is this moment… today. Yesterday might have been a heartbreaker, maybe this morning was off in the rough, you might have blown it even just an hour ago, but each interaction, each decision brings opportunity for redemption. You have to allow your experience to color your choices, but you have to live in the here and now. You have to focus and take THIS shot. You have to play life how it lies.

And this is the way in which I think golf becomes the “game of kings.” I used to have that dismissive, cynical attitude about this phrase, too, because I associated golf with pomp and the stereotypical, condescending upper classes. So naturally, the self-inflated royalty would gravitate to this kind of game, wouldn’t they? They of the exclusive, racist, sexist golf culture! Pompous jerks! Ha!

I was wrong primarily because I did not understand how profound the game is, and the corresponding nature of true leadership. A leader is not perfect, and all of his decisions are not perfect, but a great leader is not held hostage by his past. He must make the best decision that he can, every time, with the skills, wisdom, discipline, experience, and resources at his disposal. The situations that he finds himself confronted with are rarely simple, but mostly complex and difficult. The point is, though, that the leader still has to lead… he still has to take the next shot…

And it is these insights... these realizations… about the game that make me think it is worth playing. Golf can be overdone, it can be all of those negative things we sometimes envision about it, BUT it can also be a reflection of something larger and even noble. It is these attributes that make we want to get on the driving range, and onto the fairway.

FORE!

An Evening With Teenage Men...?

Last night, I enjoyed the evening with six of the young men from the Rhetoric (High School) class that I work with at the Garden School. With great satisfaction, Rachael and I prepared both our home and a fine meal for these fellas. I have always deeply enjoyed preparing food for guests (for reasons that may at some point demand a post of their own), so having them over to gorge themselves on Spaghetti with meatballs and home made cookies was a delight.

During the meal, we shared pretty light banter. I was not out to preach a Edwards-esque sermon full of fire or brimstone. Instead, I was moved to simply enjoy a couple of goofy stories and some old pictures of me as a kid... Needless to say, they got a big kick out of seeing the portly Mr. K with the big dimples (back when I was about 8). They laughed at the Mr. K with the peachfuzz stuck to his top lip (about 14 or so). They even got to see the long haired Mr. K dressed up as a cheerleader, complete with pigtails (for the High School powderpuff football game, aged 18).

As I gave them the "2-penny tour" of the house, I made sure to show them not only my small library, but also our small DVD collection. Looking through the books, I showed them a variety of titles, fiction and non-fiction, works ranging from Theology to Coaching Football to the Classics to Military History to the Far Side Collection. As we turned to the DVD's, they saw another surprising blend of titles. One of the students said, "Gee Mr. Koschak, you have some cool movies. I am surprised." I laughed at that one. It seems there may be a hidden side to the "Benevolent Dictator," after all.

I am not sure that there was a conscious plan in all of this, aside from just letting them have a look at my world away from the classroom. I suppose that I hope they will feel comfortable talking with me if I show them that I was young once, as well, and that my home is open to them for a visit. These fellas are now in High School, and in the next few years, they will embark on another phase of their lives. I wanted them to get comfortable with being talked to like men, as I feel that is what they are. A small interaction at the table was, I think, actually pretty profound in demonstrating this.

During our time gathered around the table, I made the off-handed comment that these guys are "teenage men," which in my mind, is what they are. On hearing this, one of the students paused, leaned back in his chair, and said thoughtfully, "I like the sound of that." They all kind of chuckled a bit at that, and others made the observation that it sounded better than the more common "teenage boys." I would probably agree.

I am not entirely sure that I appreciate or understand exactly what our culture seems to mean by the term "teenager." If it is a simple acknowledgement of years spent on this planet, then sure. But it always seems to carry more weight than that. Sometimes it is ominous, or sometimes it is dismissive, or sometimes it is an excuse, but it always seems to be more than just a person's age. I'm not sure that I care for so many of these implied meanings anymore...

I look at these people and I see "teenagers" struggling with issues and difficulties and even sins that adults struggle with, too. I see a hunger for real, honest fellowship and a real, honest Christian life. I see disillusionment with the standard "church-thing" with its' loosely applicable teaching and seemingly false "fellowship," which I also see in many adults I know. I see the same terrible spiritual war being raged among these "teens" that I see among their parents or within myself. I see a great need mirrored there that I see in most everybody I meet...

So to me, thinking of them as "teenage men" really makes more sense. This is why I try to talk to them like men, and I push them to carry themselves like men; not just like people who can drive, vote, or buy beer, but like MEN. God save us if we confuse the two!!!

This little exchange actually caught a hold of something much larger, I think: the greater reason that I hope to have this interaction with them. I want them to see them be MEN and think of themselves as MEN and make MANLY decisions. Ultimately, this is the Lord's work to bring to completion, but I may be a stepping stone along the way. I hope that this path proves straight and true for them.

To be........ me.

Have you ever struggled with who you are?  

Tough question, isn't it?  I have been spending parts of these past few years really trying to figure this out.  No, I don't suffer from schizophrenia (I think), but I find myself trying to get down to who I am... and who I am made to be.

At the first, I found myself struggling with what I would do for a living.  This seems a sad way to define who I am, though.  Many, or possibly most, of us work at jobs that may be less than ideal, but they keep us fed.  The vocation may not match the deepest hungers of the heart, so the job fits like an ill-tailored suit.

 

I began to consider who I am in some Theological sense.  Yes, I am a son of the Living God.  Yes, I am forgiven... redeemed...  etc...  In some ways, this helped, but it still didn't really hit the bulls-eye.  It seemed like that didn't quite answer the question that my soul was asking.  

Then, I began to look at the various roles that I play.  You know, I am a husband, a father, brother, son, and the like.  Here again, it helped lend clarity to some priorities, and it even broadened my perspective a bit.  Suddenly, I felt like my life was more multi-faceted... not just two dimensional.  

However, this still did not seem like it alleviated this nagging feeling...  This was getting closer to the definition or clarity I was looking for, but it still wasn't quite it.  

I think that the answer was made more clear when I considered why the Lord had made me.  No, I am not looking for some general, sweeping declaration that covers all of humanity.  You know, "to know/love God and enjoy Him forever" or some such thing.  Instead, I wanted to find just what this great Being... this God person...  had in mind when he crafted this Patrick guy in particular.  

It is in answering this question that I begin to find my answer.  It is personal.  It is about me.  It is about me in an ultimate sense.  Just why am I here?  What is MY purpose?

Well, this answer is multifaceted, and pretty tangled up.  I have to wrestle with Providence, experience, Fate (?), destiny (?), Free Will, Personality, (Spiritual) Genetics, all of it.  How does this all weave together?  What does my particular tapestry look like?   

Let me tell you that if you think I have this one completely figured out, I don't.  I am not quite there.  I may never quite reach that degree of certainty.  Maybe it changes over time...?  I don't know.  If you have read this far in search of some code or formula to help you figure out your own purpose...  I may have disappointed you.  Maybe I should have written a disclaimer at the beginning of this entry.      

But alas, this Blog is not about cookie-cutter answers.  Nor is it about giving advice, necessarily.  It is certainly not about giving advice on cookie cutting!!!  It is about me, being me, so that maybe you and I can be really us together.  

While I may not have this whole purpose thing wrapped into a tight little box with a bow, the picture is in sharper focus now.  I know that I was made to teach, to be a teacher.  It is arduous, but it is me being me.  I know that I was made to marry my wife, Mrs. Dirthead.  

I know that I was made to be the father of my kids, and that without me, they would not be who they are.  Ironically, without them, I would not be who I am...  Hmmm... put that in your pipe and smoke it!

     

What about the rest?  Well, I don't know.  Maybe I have sliced the bologna too thin here, and it is all semantics, and it approaches absurdity.  Maybe I chase my own tail....   or my personal white whales...  

But maybe it all revolves around trying to understand who I am in light of my own, personal Creator.  This path transcends theory, or abstraction.  It is specific and experiential.  Isn't that what all of our experiences, our opinions, our understanding... really amount to?  Isn't this life as we really encounter it, and not in the way that scholars debate it in smoky parlors?  

And that is what I want to know, to do, to feel.  Life.  Full and true.  A struggle though it may be, but it is worth the sweat and blood.  To be........   me.

Life and... Elton John?

You know, life is funny sometimes, isn't it?  There are times that are deathly serious; times which defy humor.  Other times, we are caught unawares by a silly moment.  I suppose it is under this auspice that I follow up such a heartfelt entry with one that is more light-hearted.

I was feeling particularly nostalgic, so I decided to do a couple of searches on YouTube.  Some times, I search for events which I remember from years gone by...  I can't always say why I do this exactly, except that maybe I am trying to recapture something (hence the nostalgia).  At times, I look for speeches, newscasts, songs, videos, movie clips...  just to dive into the past.  Maybe, in the great tradition of all humanity, I am trying to make some sense of my experiences through reliving them somehow.

This said, I came across some Elton John videos on the 'Tube.  Yes, back in the day, I was quite the Elton John fan.  Of my CD collection, a very large portion consisted of Elton's works.  The songwriting (especially when our man Reg teamed up with his pal Bernie), and, of course, the terrific voice coupled to produce some of my favorite songs.  Even after ten years or more of not hearing them, I found myself singing along step for step.  Yes, I sang with Elton.  I am comfortable admitting that.

One of my favorite albums was "Captain Fantastic and the Brown Dirt Cowboy."  This title track, shortened, was my computer password for 4 years...  I literally hummed it to myself nearly every time I logged on.  The story of Sir Elton's friendship with Bernie Taupin, it is a fun song with a certain defiant tone.  

The final track, "Curtains," is still one of my favorite songs of all time.  It is so beautiful and wistful.  It draws us back through time, to young love, to emotion so pure that it is almost embarrassing in the cynical eyes of adulthood.  I hadn't heard this in... about 10 years, and picked it right up.  "A once upon a time..."

In fact, what really stunned me about "Curtains" was that the alternative/grunge band Alice In Chains did a cover of it!  Whoa.  It was actually pretty good.  

But I will tell you this...  if you have never heard the Live in Australia album, wherein Elton performs with the Melbourne Symphony Orchestra (1986)...  well, I just don't know what to tell you about that.  Your heart is cold.  It is marvelous.  Terrific.  Ya oughta give it a listen.  

I am really not kidding about this.  Out of all the CD's I have ever heard, in any genre, it may well be my favorite album.  It is pretty "wow" stuff.  The songs themselves are great.  The symphony is amazing.  Elton brings it.  

Just look at the song list.  "60 years on" recounts an aged soldier... a veteran of a terrible war, looking at the end of his life in despair.  "I need you to turn to" may be one of the most amazing love songs of modern music, but it gets little press.  Speaking of quintessential love songs, this rendition of "Your Song" is marvelous.  His voice has that sincere gravelly sound to it... with an orchestra behind it.  

"Tonight," the song of a broken hearted lover, is a masterpiece.  It tells of a man trying to reach out to a bitter lover, looking for peace and reconciliation.  A man desperate for some sign that this love may be healed.  I don't know exactly why, but the love songs that bespeak of hardship or long suffering seem more true somehow.  "Sorry seems to be the hardest word" follows this same vein.

In his introduction to "The Greatest Discovery," Elton tells us that the lyrics to this song are among his favorites.  As we "watch" a little boy meeting his new baby brother for the first time, we marvel along with him.  It is beautiful.  

These are not the only songs on this particular album...  but this gives a taste.  The album runs the gamut of emotion...  sorrow, joy, alienation, despair, hope, love, foreboding, whimsy...  it's there.  Of course, it is all performed by one of our generation's best singer-songwriters...  did I mention that he performs with an orchestra?  

Why share this exactly?  Maybe I wanted to see how many friends I have that will actually still be talking to me after I admit how much I like Elton John!  I dunno.  I just know that this album almost always takes my breath away when I hear it.  I find myself singing along and even shedding a tear...  it is rich stuff.

Maybe that's just how life is.