"Something I Can Never Have"

“I still recall the taste of your tears…..”

The words quietly ring out…. stark… full of aching desperation…

This version is especially poignant and real. Stripped down from the studio track, bare, just like the lyrics… which is why I chose this to share. Just a handful of notes… and a voice…

How can you NOT listen to a song that starts with a line like that? Doesn’t that draw you, in some primal way, by its’ honesty? Maybe for me, as I try to cultivate a writer’s eye… try to understand myself… I seek out things like this that are so… real… so that I might take something from it.

I might catch a certain mood, and dwell in it for a while… trying to step outside myself to think about my own thoughts. I might try to empathize with the song… trying to picture such a figure… trying to write about this person… seeing if I can capture in words what is being communicated in the song…

Other times, it may just suit my mood. It may also give me a vessel to emote feelings that I know are festering, and unexpressed. It might give me an opportunity to cry, or laugh, or feed the flames of burning determination… to lift up my soul to higher things in the midst of the mundane. It gives me an outlet for something within me… another conduit for expression... using someone else's words.

Coming back to this NIN clip. Though Reznor is not an overly positive, uplifting songwriter, I am drawn to his honesty. Sometimes, life is not interested in lifting you up, or making you feel like a million bucks. It isn’t ALL storm clouds, but it is certainly not ALL sunny skies, either. Since life is multi-faceted, I want to share a similar selection of music and thoughts.

Something that has stayed with me these years, even when I have not listened to NIN, is the desperate power, the longing of his words that somehow resonate within me. The voice. The tone. The words. You might feel that, as well, when you hear it. It might be haunting. It might create an ache in you. You might find yourself “experiencing” the music in some way… at least, that is what I think the artist would expect.

So, give it a listen… and feel free to share what you think about it….

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UEW8riKU_tE

Good Walk Ruined? Part 1

Golfing.

.

.

Yes, Golfing.

.

.

I went Golfing today.

.

.

So, what does that make you think of when I say it? What is your reaction to this declaration?

Well, I can tell you that over these years, the way that I would have responded has changed.

Back in the day, if someone were to mention golf in a positive way, I would have scoffed. I probably would have dismissed the game outright. You know, to quote Twain, something about a “good walk ruined.”

As time passed, my flippant attitude softened a bit. Maybe age was a factor. When you are young, it is so easy to divide the world into two camps: namely, awesome and stupid. Age brings with it shades grey, and the world does not seem “quite” so polarized.

As time passed, I also began to read a little more about the game… began to learn about it… read essays and stories written by those who love it. Catching a glimpse of someone else’s love might have helped to soften my resolve a bit. It’s never that easy to be calloused when confronting someone else’s passion. Funny how that works…

As time passed, I spent a handful of hours on the driving range, and rode along for a few rounds with others who were playing. I could begin to see the appeal, the skill involved, and the enormous challenge of it. Since I have none of the gear for golfing, though, I still stayed an arm’s length away and did not try to actually play a game of my own.

Then, a few months ago, I was put in a position where I HAD to play a full 18 holes. You see, I am a sales rep, and our company sponsored several teams in a key local tournament. Without debate, I was expected to be an active participant on one of those teams…

As a salesperson, I am not usually a big fan of making a fool out of myself in front of potential clients, so the thought of playing my first game with them was not an attractive one. However, there I was, and there was no way out of it.

(Look for part 2)

I Go To Extremes

I like this song.

Ironically, those who know me probably won’t be surprised.

This is a song by Billy Joel entitled “I Go To Extremes” from his “Storm Front” album. This album is one of my favorites, and has been since it was first released. In the Billy Joel discography, it takes a back seat to the “Innocent Man” album, but I digress. The point is that Billy Joel is an extremely talented musician who has developed amazing staying power through 30 years in the oh-so-fickle music business.

His song writing is really marvelous. He philosophically dives into topics like relationships, America, people, changing culture, celebrity, and more. Using this insight, he couples it with a narrative writing style, and vivid word pictures. In fact, I would put him into the songwriters’ pantheon along with Bernie Taupin, and Bob Dylan.

Well, when it comes to this song, I listen to it, and I feel like I could have written it (if I had such talent, anyhow). It talks about that need… that compulsion… that obsession that just can’t be suppressed, nor fully understood. It is that irresistible thing inside that makes a person like me tick… it can be frightening in its’ disregard for self-preservation. It does not care if it leaves its’ host drained, exhausted…

So the song admits over and over, “I don’t know why I go to extremes.” It talks about sleepless nights, and dancing on the edge of losing it. And as with so many favorite songs, I sing along in my agreement. It is funny that some songs take on even deeper personal meaning as the years pass….

Here is the link to the music video… yes, back from when MTV actually played music videos!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5xgjtm4_M20

"Hurt" LIve

I would imagine that this will be a surprising post for some people to see here........

Well, there was a dark time in my life where I was quite the NIN fan. This song was one of my favorites back in those days, as it grabbed me with its' visceral emotionalism. To be honest, it also laid bare my own pain and hurts... so listening and singing along was almost a therapy for me... You know, singing a song in the first person, pretending that it isn't really about you, just a song...?

While I am not in that dark place anymore, I still feel the power, the stark honesty of this song. It echoes of feelings and doubts that I am not sure I would be brave enough to sing out to others... even now. In fact, the intensity and mood sound like a lament Psalm in their way... at least, how I imagine those old Psalms...

Funny how the Bible does not dance around raw emotion. Instead, we see the entire human condition laid bare.. uncomfortably bare. However, we find ourselves being somehow embarrassed or terrified of such pure emotion. At least, I probably feel that way much of the time....

This particular version is especially good, being so stripped down and intimate (although Cash's version is really amazing, too). In fact, I debated about posting Cash's version, but felt like I would let Trent Reznor sing his own song, instead.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cefrrdRUid4

One Foot in Front of the Other

What do you do with passion?

I mean, what if you are an intensely passionate person? No, not just some lusty, physical thing… but an intense, irrational, fundamental personality trait. What can you do with this?

You might say it is akin to the old prophet who was given the Lord’s message. He confessed that if he did not speak it, it threatened to consume him; like venting a flame which could become explosive if contained. This is what it feels like to have such passions, the need to reign it all in, but to risk immolation of it is suppressed too much.

The reasons for reigning it all in vary, some are noble, some are mundane. It may be a matter of keeping your job, not offending people, honoring a vow, keeping your sanity, being a productive member of society, maintaining your integrity, honoring cultural norms, or whatever. But in each case, the expression of this deep passion must be controlled or re-focused into something positive and productive. It must be funneled and fashioned like some kind of raw material.

But how do you do this? Another way of saying it is, how do we do this without falling into madness, as many of the great artists and musicians have fallen? How do you keep such transcendent urges bound within reality? How does one reconcile the vastness of one’s vision and the smallness of reality? How does one wrestle with something that defies measure and, in fact, is a compulsion? How does a person deal with all of the mundane isues of life, stay interested and engaged, when there is so much more…. careening through your mind?

For me, I don’t think that I have this answer yet………… not by a long shot.

So, this is one of those times where I am happy to receive feedback. Remember that this blog is about being real, and really, this is one of those things that I am trying to figure out…. How do we transcend the day to day? How do we functionally put one foot in front of the other in our journey to the eternal, when the present is so… constricting?

And as I come to some conclusions, I will be happy to share them with you...