Have you ever struggled with who you are?
Tough question, isn't it? I have been spending parts of these past few years really trying to figure this out. No, I don't suffer from schizophrenia (I think), but I find myself trying to get down to who I am... and who I am made to be.
At the first, I found myself struggling with what I would do for a living. This seems a sad way to define who I am, though. Many, or possibly most, of us work at jobs that may be less than ideal, but they keep us fed. The vocation may not match the deepest hungers of the heart, so the job fits like an ill-tailored suit.
I began to consider who I am in some Theological sense. Yes, I am a son of the Living God. Yes, I am forgiven... redeemed... etc... In some ways, this helped, but it still didn't really hit the bulls-eye. It seemed like that didn't quite answer the question that my soul was asking.
Then, I began to look at the various roles that I play. You know, I am a husband, a father, brother, son, and the like. Here again, it helped lend clarity to some priorities, and it even broadened my perspective a bit. Suddenly, I felt like my life was more multi-faceted... not just two dimensional.
However, this still did not seem like it alleviated this nagging feeling... This was getting closer to the definition or clarity I was looking for, but it still wasn't quite it.
I think that the answer was made more clear when I considered why the Lord had made me. No, I am not looking for some general, sweeping declaration that covers all of humanity. You know, "to know/love God and enjoy Him forever" or some such thing. Instead, I wanted to find just what this great Being... this God person... had in mind when he crafted this Patrick guy in particular.
It is in answering this question that I begin to find my answer. It is personal. It is about me. It is about me in an ultimate sense. Just why am I here? What is MY purpose?
Well, this answer is multifaceted, and pretty tangled up. I have to wrestle with Providence, experience, Fate (?), destiny (?), Free Will, Personality, (Spiritual) Genetics, all of it. How does this all weave together? What does my particular tapestry look like?
Let me tell you that if you think I have this one completely figured out, I don't. I am not quite there. I may never quite reach that degree of certainty. Maybe it changes over time...? I don't know. If you have read this far in search of some code or formula to help you figure out your own purpose... I may have disappointed you. Maybe I should have written a disclaimer at the beginning of this entry.
But alas, this Blog is not about cookie-cutter answers. Nor is it about giving advice, necessarily. It is certainly not about giving advice on cookie cutting!!! It is about me, being me, so that maybe you and I can be really us together.
While I may not have this whole purpose thing wrapped into a tight little box with a bow, the picture is in sharper focus now. I know that I was made to teach, to be a teacher. It is arduous, but it is me being me. I know that I was made to marry my wife, Mrs. Dirthead.
I know that I was made to be the father of my kids, and that without me, they would not be who they are. Ironically, without them, I would not be who I am... Hmmm... put that in your pipe and smoke it!
What about the rest? Well, I don't know. Maybe I have sliced the bologna too thin here, and it is all semantics, and it approaches absurdity. Maybe I chase my own tail.... or my personal white whales...
But maybe it all revolves around trying to understand who I am in light of my own, personal Creator. This path transcends theory, or abstraction. It is specific and experiential. Isn't that what all of our experiences, our opinions, our understanding... really amount to? Isn't this life as we really encounter it, and not in the way that scholars debate it in smoky parlors?
And that is what I want to know, to do, to feel. Life. Full and true. A struggle though it may be, but it is worth the sweat and blood. To be........ me.
